Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
