she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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