Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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