seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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