You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
