I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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