I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
