Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
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