who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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