you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
