i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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