The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
People in love make me want to vomit
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
