My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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