Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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