Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
