i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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