1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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