The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
