im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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