Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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