Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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