she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
