my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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