textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize