Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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