doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
