Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
