dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
