I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
