I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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