porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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