he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This is the high leading the old right now
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
