"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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