Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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