if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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