my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
