i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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