look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
