sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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