i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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