I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
