Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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