i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
