3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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