All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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