Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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