I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
