dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
