wanna go halves on a baby?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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