All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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