the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
