Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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