I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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