i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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