Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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