Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
