whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
