My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
