Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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