she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
