My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
