I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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