I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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