never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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