the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
